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Inspirone

"I maintain that Truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. Truth, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or to coerce people along any particular path. You must climb towards the Truth. It cannot be 'stepped down' or organized for you." - author: Jiddu Krishnamurthi

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Starring day...

There are some days like this, when you walk down the streets and everyone seem to look at you, when at other times they wont even be noticing you, as if you're face appeared in the news last night or in the morning papers. I'm always puzzled by such days. Seems like either there's something wrong with your face or you look like the serial killer whose picture appeared in the media lately. Today I experienced this "starring day" (just like the "bad hair day"), yet again, and I should admit it’s not that much of an interesting situation. Makes you feel odd, like you did something wrong, yeah makes you feel guilty and you don't know your crime. Come on people give it a break.

I walked downtown during lunch today only to find out a few people, much more that usual actually, starring at me. I admit there were mostly ladies among them but even then it’s not that pleasant (I’m not a gorgeous guy to attract so many eyes, is it? loll). Well I got so much embarrassed by this that I even went to the toilets of the local mall and look at myself in the mirror from all angles, hmmm nothing wrong with me according to me... I still look like a human being, I think, there isn’t any stickers saying call me stupid glued on my back or forehead (...) Well when I finally reached the place where I wanted to have lunch, I bought myself a meal and sat down alone, near the door. There was a couple sitting right in front of me and I was having the impression that the girl was starring at me too. I looked back and saw no one behind me except a wall. I thought to myself "...maybe she wants a bite of my meal... :)". Well only then, her boyfriend started to look at me noticed here starring. Oops I think she'll be in trouble... Okay, so I starred back at my meal and tried to finish it without looking up again or at them rather. I think I’m being paranoid today; the couple started talking and I was wondering of what they could be talking about. Was she being asked to explain why she was starring at me or is their subject of discussion completely irrelevant to my thoughts? Well their discussion seemed to be getting serious though and a few glance at my way made me feel as if I was guilty. So I quickly finished my meal and got up and walked towards the door. Just when I grabbed the handle to open it, I felt like a hand touching my shoulder... no time to think I turned to look back... False alert, just someone bumped into me... arggghhh... I’m being more than paranoid. What was I thinking about, the jealous boyfriend wanting to punch my face?? Too much paranoia can get you killed... I walked back to the office only to find out that nobody was starring at me now… Hmmm everything back to normal, what a pleasant feeling.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Flashback

I sat down on my bed, holding her picture in my hand. This picture was taken only a few days back (I got them developed from the local photo shop). If seen by an outsider, the picture would show the close up of a beautiful young girl, fair colour, lively eyes, smooth silky hair, reflecting the light of life. A joyous look on her face says that she's a happy girl, her bright eyes shows a bright future and the entire enthusiast that she had to anticipate it. Her smile so warm that no one could resist not smiling back to her. Just looking at her image on that piece of paper made me smile back. A beautiful girl indeed but with a beautiful heart too, she’s always kind and helps her friends when she can. People like her are not so common but still… I thought to myself, she was an awesome person.

WAS??? Yeah well, that’s how you speak of someone who is no longer here isn’t it? Physically at least. Not in this room, not in this town not in this country and not in this world. But I can still feel her presence, just here, with me. Sometimes when someone leaves, seems like they made such a presence when they were here that you still feel that they are here or part of them is still here. What is it that makes them so, their energy or something to do with aura? I don’t believe in those stuffs but I know she’s still here with me. My memories are here to retain her presence. Maybe its all about the mind, the memories of her are so fresh that seems she’s still here.

I don’t know why I took that picture of her, I just took her cell phone and told her let me catch that glimpse of you when you’re so YOU. She replied, “I’m always myself with you…. (laughs)”. Sitting on a bench in the park I was meeting her like so many times before but then something was special; she was so lively that I did not want her to go. Then she took her helmet, kissed me goodbye and said: “don’t worry; time is so relative that I’ll be with you in the blinking of an eye”. I thought yeah she’s right. But part of me felt sad, I always do when she leaves, but on that day it seemed like more than ever before. I should have asked her to stay a few more minutes, but then she’s always like “I’ll call you tonight…” and she always did when she said that, always at the same time. Well who knows, if that would have changed a thing. As soon as she mounted her bike, I slowly came near her and said: “I’m missing you already..”, she replied: “You put that picture you just took on your desktop, this way I’ll always be in front on your eyes…”. She knew more that anyone how much time I spend on my pc. I smiled and kissed her. She put on her helmet and drove away from me. As she was reaching for the main road, I saw a truck coming from the previous traffic lights to where she was supposed to join the main road. She looked back at it and managed to get in front smoothly. The truck was not coming fast in any case. I always thought how crazy she was on her bike but she’s a good rider so I never really got worried. I smiled and turned back to take the next bus home. Just then the thought came to me that she did not said that she’s going to call; well I knew she would anyway. My smile barely had time to fade when I heard a strange sound. A kind of sound that tells you something wrong happened. When I looked back I saw the truck stopped at the next block. From where I was I could see people looking down at the road as if something or someone was laying there. My heart went one pumping fast and I was confused. I thought nothing happened to her, she should be far from there by now. But my curiosity and fear was growing and I couldn’t help but run towards that truck. I was not running fast because I knew or rather I wanted to believe it’s not her. When I as only a few metres from there, a few people was already nearby and I could not see anything. I managed to pass through and when I did, I got the shock of my life. Her bike was under the left wheel of the truck, I looked out for her, and she was laying a few metres further. I could see she was trying to get her fingers moving; I rushed down to her, took her hand in mine and screamed her name. She managed to open her eyes and looked at me. Tears rolled down her cheeks and I just couldn’t believe it. I could hear people calling the police and asking if she needs help. I told someone to get a car. She looked at me in the eyes and tried to say something; I came closer to her and told her everything would be ok. Everything around us was suddenly silent; she managed to whisper these words: “I don’t want to leave you…” I did not have time to reply back, when her eyes closed. I could see she was no longer breathing. I was there helpless, what I could do to bring her back, to make her breath again, to make her heart beat again. Someone brought a car nearby, and some people helped me put her on the back seat. As hey closed the door I could hear someone whispering it’s too late, but I did not want to hear that. She was lying in my lap and I so much wanted to believe she was going to be alright that I took all precautions one could do to slowly remove her helmet so as not to hurt her more than she already was. As the driver was droving pass the traffic to reach the nearest hospital the man asked me: “Is she going to be ok?”. Tears rolled down my eyes and I did not have the courage to reply back. He looked back and said “don’t worry we’re there in a minute.” That minute seemed really long to me. I put a hand on her cheek and it was still warm, I kept thinking to myself she’ll going to make it. But truth is her little heart was no longer beating since a few minutes already. I looked at her jeans and could see they were torn at her knees apart from that she did not have much scratch, at least that’s what I thought. I looked at her; I’ve seen her lying like this so many times before but never with such an expression on her face. It was as if she was deep asleep but something on her face says she was not. When we reached the hospital, the driver went it and returned with a few people from the nursing staff, they slowly took her from me to put her on a stretcher and brought her inside. I tried to follow them but someone forced me to stay in the waiting room. They all seemed busy inside for a few minutes, I thought she had a chance then and that they would bring her back. Then a doctor came outside and walked towards me, my heart was pounding and I was eager to hear what he had to tell me.

He finally reached me and said: “Are you related to her…”
I said: “Yes”, I could then see a few nurses coming out by the door to where they took her to and when they saw me, they just stood there.
The doctor then grabbed my arm and said: “I’m sorry, but we could do nothing for her, she has been badly hurt at her skull”

I tried to find words but could not, in spite of all I was hoping so much that she was going to be fine. I tried to move but could not, all the hopes I had just vanished. I looked back to that door and wished I could see her coming out of it walking and with a smile on her face telling me “hey it’s only a small bruise on my knee….”

But nothing like that happened; I tried to move but could not. I finally managed to walk and slowly went towards the door, the nurses opened it for me and she was there, lying helpless. I walked to her and looked at her, I thought how could this happen to her. I could not believe it was her lying there. She was so lively a few moments ago, it could not be her, things cannot change so fast, she was meant to live much more than that. But truth hurts, more than ever before. I kissed her on her forehead and still hoped that she would open her eyes and smile at me, but she did not. A few nurses came by and I tried not to look at them, they did not say a word, seemed they were respecting my mourning. I looked at them and they drove their gaze away. I thought to myself that maybe they were feeling guilty for not having been able to do anything for her.


I put the picture beside my computer screen and took out her cell phone from my pocket, the hospital staffs gave it to me soon after I left the emergency room. I put it on and a reminder popped up, it reminded her to call me. I looked at her call list there was only one number, and that was mine. I dialled it and heard my cell phone ringing; a special ring tone always indicated that it was her calling me. I let it rang and thought how happy I used to be when I were to hear that. Now I’ll never hear this tone ever again…