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"I maintain that Truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. Truth, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or to coerce people along any particular path. You must climb towards the Truth. It cannot be 'stepped down' or organized for you." - author: Jiddu Krishnamurthi

Friday, April 21, 2006

Ode to my life

Life is unfair, life is this life is that... I think that its just a question of bad luck or rather rare coincidence. We tend to blame others, life, god or whatever it is, for things that we are afraid of taking responsibility. What we can't accept inwardly we throw it outwardly, like it is non of our concern, like it is a shame to hold it.

All the things that happen to us, the path that we choose sure leads us to some place, but we never know where until we try it, it's like standing at the intersection of life, deciding which way to go. But making a choice is no good or bad, its just our choice and we should bear all that comes with it, good or bad. But what if we make the wrong choice, would simply returning back on our track solve the problems? Would it erase all the living experiences, the memories, the feelings, the love, the good, the bad, the hurts that we brought when we first stepped into that path? Obvious isn't it. Would we even know that we made the wrong or the right choice or will it be too late when we learn that. What will happen to us now, guess we have to wait and see. But then one would not dare taking any paths then, but who would not... Who would not take the chance to find hapiness, even if the risk of being further unhappy lies within. We all learn from experiences, but still many of us keep making the same mistakes, because we believe in luck, we do hope for a better life... above all we got only one and would be a shame if we were to waste it. Small details change a lot of things in our life, the rippling effect is really huge, I can imagine what big details can do...

Should I consider myself lucky to be still standing tall with all that i've gone through lately. A broken heart, a near death accident, unusual health problems... what is there for me next...? I wonder. But hey ain't these that makes us better prepared? Well its not a perfect world and we are not living a perfect life, but trying to reach perfectness is something we cannot be blamed for trying. Each time you fall, you do even harder and its hurts as much as the first time, only that with time, you get acquainted to the pain. A few days in bed has made me think again, about life... and death. We all die that's for sure, but would we leave this life with The Smile, knowing that we achieved something and lived our dreams or with The Frown, knowing that we missed something and did not give it chance enough? When you are standing there, and the door is closing on you, what is real counts above all, not what you want to think is real. Its hard to lie to oneself though easy to make oneself believe that one made the right choices. Its hard to suppress one's feelings and try to get on like there's nothing. Makes me think of these again... White Flag, Hearts Breaking Even, Lie to Me... Which one would best express the way I feel inside, if not all of them.

I once knew that girl, who made me feel something special. Whose hug never matched all those hugs that i've known. Something i'll always be longing to feel again. Something i'll never feel again. Someone who did something to me... someone who made words fail... I wished that these were not the only memories I had, but... I wish that these would be enough to bring me The Smile. I now seem to know the real meaning of being Estranged.

I feel like that little kid, who was so happy to see the gift that Santa was holding out to him, but only to find out that it was not meant for him... or maybe Santa did make a huge mistake and it was really meant for him... is it worth waiting for... well I guess its Against All Odds now. Besides, who believes in Santa nowadays.

But one thing i'll never understand... is the word sorry. What was it meant for actually. I can never quite get it. Same words have different meanings in different contexts. Was that a "sorry I made a mistake", "sorry its all my fault", "sorry but you got me wrong", "sorry for hurting you" or a sorry that makes you feel that you have nothing to do with it so that you have a clear conscience... In any case, saying it sure makes us feel easy with ourself, but it never ever changes or will change anything. Its still where you left it. No one's gonna bury it for you...

Well for my part, I would say Thank You.


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